i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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