were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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