I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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