Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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