this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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