I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
