i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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