I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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