She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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