Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
