haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
