if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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