I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
