Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
