Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
And then he peed in my hair
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