Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize