worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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