Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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