I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize