I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
