Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
