my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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