Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
