I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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