Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Bring me that man meat
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
