The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
