Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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