We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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