she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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