his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
