I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
