Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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