Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
