I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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