I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
