I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
