so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
