i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
