dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
