i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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