You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
