Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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