i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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