I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is my gift to your gina
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
