So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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