I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
