I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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