You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You've changed since you got that strap on
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize