my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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