I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
