based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
