Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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