Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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