i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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