saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
