Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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