Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
